Grow your own dope: plant a man!
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
"Death to all fanatics!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
Celebrity Insults
Fred Astaire:
"Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little."
-Anonymous screen test
Jack Benny:
"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage -- he shot both his parents and moved in."
-Bob Hope
Jon Bon Jovi:
"Bon Jovi sounds like bad fourth-generation metal, a smudgy Xerox of Quiet Riot."
-Jimmy Guterman
Boy George:
"Boy George is all England needs -- another queen who can't dress."
-Joan Rivers
Marlon Brando:
"Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper."
-Rex Reed
Charlie Chaplin:
"If pople don't sit at Chaplin's feet, he goes out and stands where they are sitting."
-Herman J. Mankiewicz
"When Chaplin found a voice to say what was on his mind, he was like a child of eight writing lyrics for Beethoven's Ninth."
-Billy Wilder
The Clash:
"The sheets of sound they let loose have the cumulative effect of mugging."
-'The London Times' (1979)
John Cleese:
"He emits an air of overwhelming vanity combined with some unspecific nastiness, like a black widow spider in heat. But nobody seems to notice. He could be reciting 'Fox's Book of Martyrs' in Finnish and these people would be rolling out of their seats."
-Roger Gellert
James Dean:
"Another dirty shirttail actor from New York."
-Hedda Hopper
John Denver:
"I'm a John Denver freak, and I don't give a sh*t that he looks like a f***ing turkey."
-Grace Slick
Bob Dylan:
"Actually, I never liked Dylan's kind of music before; I always thought he sounded just like Yogi Bear."
-Mike Ronson
Clint Eastwood:
Commenting on Eastwood's bid for mayor of Carmel -- "What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?"
-Ronald Reagan
F. Scott Fitzgerald:
"Fitzgerald never got rid of anything; the ghosts of his adolescense, the failures of his youth, the doubts of his maturity plagued him to the end. He was supremely a part of the world he described, so much a part that he made himself its king and then, when he saw it begin to crumble, he crumbled with it and led it to death."
-John Aldridge
Zsa Zsa Gabor:
"She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age."
-Oscar Levant
Dan Quayle
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/15/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92, The New Yorker, 10/10/88, p.102)
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 9/2/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is `to be prepared'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican Forum, 3/23/90 (reported in Esquire, 8/92) Also reported by Reuters, 5/2/90
Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to the -- to the back!
-- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while speaking to the United Negro College Fund, 5/9/89 This gem has been added to Bartlett's `Familiar Quotations'. (reported in Esquire, 8/92) (reported in the NY Times, 12/9/92)
Take a breath, Al... Inhale.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle politely cutting off Senator Al Gore during the VP Debate in Atlanta, 10/13/92. Gov. Zell Miller of Georgia said that Dan Quayle reminded him of one of his grandkids when they've had too much sugar.
Deep Thoughts
Always remember, 49.9% of your friends are below average.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
14% of Americans surveyed agree that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because "that extra star would make the flag look bad."
23% of Perot voters say, "The candidate I vote for usually loses."
17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.
28% of Americans think that our army's high-tech military equipment is too expensive to risk in combat.
One third of American women agree that baseball was more exciting when it was on strike.
When Ford Motor Company began marketing their popular Pinto in Brazil years ago, they were puzzled by terrible sales. Things improved when they changed the name to Corcel, which means "steed." Pinto is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals..."
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Rehab is for quitters
God bless Darwin.
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not some kind of medical technician!
YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!
Stock up and save. Limit: one
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
I discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.
Screw the planet, save yourself.
What is another word for synonym?
If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands out with soap?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one ment to be trown away?
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food.
Is it possible to be totally partial.
If a funeral procession is at night, do people drive with there lights off?
Quotes by Groucho Marx
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.
Hello, I must be going.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Time wounds all heels.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Plot to kill officer had vicious side
The Chicago Tribune, September 20
Some phone psychics provide useless, erroneous information
Staten Island Sunday Advance, September 15
Iowa move back to Pittsburgh
The Flint Journal, August 15
Infertility unlikely to be passed on
Montgomery Advertiser, May 11
Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
Holland Sentinal, date unknown. (Sent to me by Steven Hansen.)
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
The Los Angeles Times, November 2
`Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking
The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers
The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought
The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete
The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
The New York Times, March 10
Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
The Los Angeles Times, March 2
Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
The Oregonian, January 28
Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
The Buffalo News, February 26
Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
Economist uses theory to explain economy
Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
Bible church's focus is the Bible
Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research
The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
Accusing some of her male colleagues of sexism, Los Angeles Councilwoman Laura Chick lashed out at City Hall of Thursday as [sic] the
most sexist good-old-boys work environment that I've ever been in.''...
The Los Angeles Times, June 23
Cement Supplies seen as adequate
The Bangkok Post, January 28
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart
Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents.--Billiam Coronel
The statistic on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.--Rita Mae Brown
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.--Rich Cook
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.--Marcel Achard
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.--Bertolt Brecht
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.--Ellen DeGeneres
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.--Albert Camus
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.--George Carlin
Journalism consists largely I saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive.--G.K.Chesterton
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.--George Gobel
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.--Carol Leifer
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist.--Aaron Machado
It was such a lovely day I thought it's a pity to get up.--W. Somerset Maugham
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.--Groucho Marx
I cannot be bought.. but I can be rented.--Don O'Shaughnessy
He ended the job as he began it; fired with enthusiasm.--Don O'Shaughnessy
Bad artists copy. Great artists steal.--Picasso
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off."
Seen on the back of a loaded horse trailer:
"DON'T BE WHAT YOU SEE"
"Stop reading this and watch where you're driving."
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar."
"Hard work has a future. Laziness pays off now."
"I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs."
"Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity."
"Confusion not only reigns, it pours"
"Madness takes it's toll; please have exact change"
"I use to have a handle on life; then it broke"
Art Garfunkel:
"He makes Paul Simon look like LL Cool J."
-Ian Gittins
Ernest Hemmingway:
"A literary style of wearing false hair on the chest."
-Max Eastman
Katharine Hepburn:
"A cross between Donald Duck and a Stradivarius."
-Anon.
Herman's Hermits:
'Henry the Eighth' -- "It would be cheaper, and no more unpleasant, to record yourself in the shower while holding your nose."
-Dave Marsh
Charlton Heston:
'Ben Hur' -- "Charlton Heston throws all his punches in the first ten minutes (three grimaces and two intonations) so that he has nothing left long before he stumbles to the end, four hours later, and has to react to the crucifiction. (He does make it clear, I must admit, that he disaproves of it.)"
-Dwight MacDonald
Mick Jagger:
"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire."
-Truman Capote
Janis Joplin:
"I couldn't stand Janis Joplin's voice. . .She was just a screaming little loudmouthed chick."
-Arthur Lee
Madonna:
"She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else."
-Morrissey
Dean Martin:
"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing."
-Harry Medved
Groucho Marx:
"He's a male chauvinistic piglet."
-Betty Friedan
Marilyn Monroe:
"It's like kissing Hitler."
-Tony Curtis
Paul Newman:
'The Silver Chalice' -- "He delivered his lines with the emotional fervor of a conductor announcing local stops."
-'The New Yorker'
Ronald Reagan:
"I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was -- an Arctic region covered with ice."
-Steve Martin
"Ronald Reagan couldn't be here tonight, he's posing for the cover of 'Guns and Ammo.'
-Johnny Carson
Robert Redford:
"He has turned almost alarmingly blond -- he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth."
-Pauline Kael
Mickey Rooney:
"His favorite exercise is climbing tall people."
-Phyllis Diller
Sting:
"Somebody should clip Sting around the head and tell him to stop using that ridiculous Jamaican accent."
-Elvis Costello
Elizabeth Taylor:
"She has an insipid double chin, her legs are too short, and she has a slight potbelly."
-Richard Burton
Mae West:
"A plumber's idea of cleopatra."
-W. C. Fields
Robin Williams:
"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck."
-Tom Shales
Andy Warhol:
"The only genius with an IQ of 60."
-Gore Vidal
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, US News and World Report (10/10/88)
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing the 20th anniversary celebration of the moon landing, 7/20/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
The loss of life will be irreplaceable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake, 10/19/89 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Bobby Knight told me this:
There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.'' In other words a good offense wins.
-- Senator Dan Quayle, in a speech to the City Club of Chicago, comparing the offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact with the defensive system of NATO, 9/8/88 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Should vegitarians eat animal crackers?
If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do people who know the least know it the lowdest?
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, really loudly, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
Mom used to get offended when I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.--Wolfgang Pauli
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.--Lily Tomlin
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.--Pancho Villa-Last Words
Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?--Heidi Sandige
How come dumb stuff seems so smart while you're doing it.--Dennis the Menace
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.--W.C.Fields
When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes.--Henry Miller
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.--Charles Schultz
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.--Wilson Mizner
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.--Anonymous
Architecture is the art of how to waste space.--Philip Johnson
Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.--Ambrose Bierce
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.--Samuel Goldwyn
I'm still an atheist, thank God!--Luis Bunel
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.--Jean Giraudoux
So little time and so little to do.--Oscar Levant
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.--Will Rogers
I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave.--E.M.Forster
The last time somebody asked, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."--Roy Blount, Jr.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.--Ashleigh Brilliant
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.--Quentin Crisp
We're not lost. We're locationaly challenged.--John M. Ford
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git" --Alexi Sayle
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.--Steven Pearl
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.--Joey Bishop
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.--Totie Fields
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.--Robert Orben
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.--Adreienne E. Gusoff
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.--Dick Cavett
The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
People who are late are often happier than those who have to wait for them.--Chinese Fortune Cookie
Never go to a doctor whose office plant have died.--Erma Bombeck
Just when you think you have hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.--Anonymous
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the Redskins say, "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Pitcher Tug McGraw on how he went bankrupt after several seasons making several million dollars per year: "I spent 98% of my money on booze and broads, and the other 2% I wasted foolishly."
"Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'" (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)
Yogi Berra
"It ain't over till it's over."
"This is like deja vu all over again."
Phil Rizzuto - "Hey Yogi I think we're lost." - Yogi Berra - "Ya, but we're making great time!"
"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."
" I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head."
"You can observe a lot just by watchin'."
"In baseball, you don't know nothin'."
"How can you think and hit at the same time?"
Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that before he died"
"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical"
Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
"I want to thank all those who made this night necessary."
"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."
Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I save postage stamps ? Not me."
"You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
"Slump ? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin."
"It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it."
"It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much."
"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"
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