A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied. "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Whats the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside!!!
One fine day, Brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull & crossbones raised on the mast. The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do. Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said "Bring me my red shirt." The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Smith had the shirt in his posession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed. The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle. He responded "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me." The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and the crew talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon TEN pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said "Bring me my brown pants."
Eggs, Bacon, and Toast walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, and says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."
Several cannibals were hired by a big corporation. "You're part of a team now," said the CEO, welcoming them. "Please don't ruin things by eating any of your colleagues."
The cannibals promised, but a month later the CEO came to them. "Everyone is happy with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads. After the boss left, the leader turned to his tribesmen and said, "You fools! For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed. Who's the idiot who went and ate a secretary!"
"Cinderella at 75"
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother". The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,"I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man".
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen,so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, "I bet you regret having me neutered now, don't you?"
The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received
a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do
funeral notices cost?"
"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.
"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"
"I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word
minimum."
"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me
that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"
Mrs. Smith had always suspected her son, Mike, was having an intimate relationship with his roommate, Jennifer.
One night, Mike invites his mother over for dinner. All thru the night, Mrs. Smith watched Mike and Jennifer interact, and was pretty sure there was more than met the eye. Mike saw his mother watching them and assured her that they were just roommates.
A few nights later, Jennifer went to Mike with a problem.
"Ever since your mother was here for dinner, I have been unable to find the gravy ladle. Do you think she took it?"
Mike replied, "I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her and ask her anyway."
Mike sat down at the computer and composed the following e-mail:
Dearest Mother,
I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains, since you were here for dinner, we have been unable to find the ladle.
Love always,
Mike
Two days later, Mike received the following reply from his mother:
Dearest Michael,
I'm not saying you do sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains, had Jennifer been sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the ladle by now.
Love,
Mother
Moral of the story: Don't lie to your mother!
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be too afraid to cough.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
6.Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
AND... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are : You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a extremely long leash.
Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"
"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."
A contest was held once in a little town near San Diego. Four people entered the contest. It was a fairly simple contest: The judge would point to a various part of his body, and the contestant would say the body part. So the contest began. The judge started with contestant one and pointed to his head. The contestant answered right and the judge moved on and pointed to his foot. Instead of saying foot, the contestant said arm. So the judge moves on to contestant two. He gets the first and second questions right, but on the third question, he answers arm instead of leg. The third contestant answers all the previous questions right, and then the judge points to his knee. Surprisingly, the contestant gets it right. That's four parts, time for the last one: the judge points to his elbow, a real tuffy, and the contestant answers hand. So the judge moves on to the last contestant and the contestant answers all the questions right. As the judge pins the first place ribbon on the guy's shirt, he asks how he got such a hard question right. The contestant taps his head and says knowingly, "Kidneys."
A contest was held once in a little town near San Diego. Four people entered the contest. It was a fairly simple contest: The judge would point to a various part of his body, and the contestant would say the body part. So the contest began. The judge started with contestant one and pointed to his head. The contestant answered right and the judge moved on and pointed to his foot. Instead of saying foot, the contestant said arm. So the judge moves on to contestant two. He gets the first and second questions right, but on the third question, he answers arm instead of leg. The third contestant answers all the previous questions right, and then the judge points to his knee. Surprisingly, the contestant gets it right. That's four parts, time for the last one: the judge points to his elbow, a real tuffy, and the contestant answers hand. So the judge moves on to the last contestant and the contestant answers all the questions right. As the judge pins the first place ribbon on the guy's shirt, he asks how he got such a hard question right. The contestant taps his head and says knowingly, "Kidneys."
What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?
"It sure is great that we are so close after all the crap we have been through!"
What's the difference between "pick" and "choose?"
"Pick" is a selection, but "choose" are just Mexican sneakers.
Pop goes the weasel and other fun microwave games!
"If practice makes perfect but nobody's perfect, why the hell bother?"
Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.
One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the others.
"I don't wake up until nine."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back
- wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I
was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."
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