At the podium during his visit to Latin America, Vice-President Quayle said "I'm sorry if I cannot speak your language, I need to brush up on my "Latin".
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!"
Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."
Bill (with a chuckle): "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date.
They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine."
To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."
Q: whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
A: Christopher Walken
What are the three most common causes of death in America?
1) Heart Disease
2) Cancer
3) Being a Kennedy
Whats ET short for?
Because he's got little legs.
What do Britney Spears and Pepsi have in common?
They both come with plastic jugs
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like that of an 18 year old."
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room.
Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.
"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of this operation!!! "
"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation."
Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger ,"And who sent those?"
"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?
Because he heard little boys pants were half off.
A young boy asks his Priest if God is a man or a woman.
The Priest decides to tease the boy and answers that God is both.
The boy then asks if God is black or white. Again the answer is both.
Next question, is God gay or straight. Once more the answer is both.
The boy then asks "Father, is Michael Jackson God??"
13) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)
12) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush, Former US First Lady)
11) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word , meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)
10) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)
9) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)
8) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger)
7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs, Founder: Apple Computer)
6) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather, News anchorman)
5) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwartzenegger)
4) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)
3) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)
2) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)
1) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. (Robin Williams)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
Top Ten Most Ironic Celebrity Deaths
10) Ellen DeGeneres -- Suffocates in the closet
9) Susan Lucci -- Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy
8) Farah Fawcett -- Struck by a random thought
7) Frank Sinatra -- Killed by Stranglers in the Night
6) RuPaul -- Prostate cancer
5) O.J. Simpson -- Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide
4) Madonna -- Exposure
3) Unabomber -- Mail bomb returned due to "insufficient postage"
2) Al Gore -- Dutch Elm Disease
and the *Predicted* NUMBER ONE MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATH IS:
1) Bill Gates -- Falls out of a Window
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