3 advantages of getting a ฃ50 note tatooed on your penis:
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.
There are three women , the first one goes to the doctor for a checkup and takes her shirt off. The doctor notices an imprint of an H on her chest and says " Why is there an H on your chest?" and the girl says, "becasue my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the second girl comes up and takes her shirt off and she has an imprint of a Y on her chest, so the doctor says " Why do you have an imprint of a Y on your chest?" and she says "because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the last girl comes up and takes her shirt off and the doctor says " you have an imprint of a M on your chest, Let me guess, your bofriend goes to Michigan?" And she says "no,but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin
What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?
Darling I'm home!
Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "She is a dog!!"
He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"
He called me a 'show off'!
When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."
The judge said, "Me too!!"
Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
Why are men more intelligent during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius!
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi
Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as
a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign
suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one."
There was a husband and a wife that loved to have sex. They had it everywhere and tried everything.
One day they both decided that it was getting old, the same thing over and over again and they wanted to try something new.
Later that night a space ship landed outside their window and two aliens came out. They were husband and wife and were gettin sick of the same thing over and over again too. So the male alien asks the female human if she would have sex with him and she agrees.
Same thing with the female alien and the male human.
The male alien and the female human go to the bed and the male alien pulls down his pants. But the felmale human sees it and says, "It's too small." Then the male alien replies, "Pull on my ear to make it the size you want." The female human keeps pulling his ear until it's the right size.
The next morning the aliens leave and the male human says, "How did you like last night?", and his wife answers, "It was great and you?"
The husband exclaims, "It was horrible! She kept pulling on my ear!!"
New word for Sexual Intercourse..."Penistration".
New word for Female Orgasm..."Happenis"
A man and woman begin to smoke after sex and the man says 'My wife would kill me if she saw me now'
'Why?' the woman replies 'because you had sex with another woman?'
'No...' says the man '...because I quit smoking last week'
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in another box.
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck. "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo!
Q:What is the best form of birth control for people over 50.
A:Nudity
Q. Why did the blonde have a triangular coffin?
A. Because as soon as her head hits a pillow she spreads her legs.
Q:What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A:45 minutes.
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-
Cheese Sandwich: ฃ1.50
Chicken Sandwich: ฃ2.50
Hand Job: ฃ10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
XMAS IS CANCELLED
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Lift up your nuts this is gonna be one hell of a blow job.
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