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Regions & States
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Regions & States
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Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night -- Pot luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this mourning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
7. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
9. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
10. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
11. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and list to our choir practice.
Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it's really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I'll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.
Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.
Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband's leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.
So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he's saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband's leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I'll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen!
Alabama Jokes
State Slogan: Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity
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Alabama Dumb Laws
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Incestous marriages are legal.
Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
Jasper
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
Mobile
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)
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An Alabama State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-20. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
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Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Q: Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A: Everyone has the same DNA.
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Q: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Birmingham, Alabama burned down?
A: Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.
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A new law recently passed in Alabama: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
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Q: What's the best thing to ever come out of Alabama?
A: I-20 and I-10
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Two Alabamans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
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Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.
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An Alabaman came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry on over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have them big red trucks?"
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Q: Why do folks in Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A: 'Cuz 17 and under not admitted.
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Are ya Chicken?
A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Alabama joke.
The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm from Alabama. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's from Alabama, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's from Alabama,too! Now, do you still want to tell your Alabama joke?"
The guy says, "Nah."
To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are ya chicken?"
The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times."
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Elevator
A country bumpkin family from Alabama decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered.
While staring at it, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes.
The Alabama hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again.
The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful!
Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!"
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Kindergarten
Billy Bob and his family moved from Alabama to Maine to so his Paw could find better work picking potatoes. The next day Billy Bob started his first day of kindergarten. When he got home he rushed to tell his Paw, "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to ree-cite the alpherbet today en Ah wuz the onliest one that could!"
His Paw replied "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"
The next day he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, Teacher ast us to count as high as we could en Ah counted the highest!"
His Paw replied, "That's cuz you's from Bama, son!"
The next day, he came home and told his Paw "Paw, Paw, today, when we wuz all in a line, Ah noticed Ah wuz the biggest of all! Ah bet that's cuz Ah'm from Bama, huh Paw?"
His Paw replied, "No son, that's cuz yer 17 years old."
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Rabid Dog
Two boys are playing football in a vacant lot when one of the boys is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the first little boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck and killing him instantly.
A reporter, who happens to be strolling nearby, sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "That was the most incredible act of bravery I've ever seen!" the reporter exclaims. He whips out his notebook and furiously scribbles the headline: "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal!"
The little hero sees this and says, "But sir, I'm not a Bama Fan, I'm an Auburn Fan!"
The reporter looks warily at the boy for a moment, then flips the page and begins a new headline: "Little Redneck Kills Beloved Family Pet"
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Question ans answer
Q. Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco
A. To Tuscaloosa...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there!
Q. What's the best road sign in Auburn?
A. Tuscaloosa - 120 miles
A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I'd like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a pair of white shoes." The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, "You must be an Alabama fan!" The man proclaims with pride, "How could you tell, was it the color scheme!" The clerk looks at him and says "No, this is a hardware store."
Q. What is the most common line used by an Auburn alum?
A. Would you like fries with that?
Q. Why did they build the Mercedes plant so close to the University of Alabama?
A. Because they have an endless supply of crash test dummies right down the road.
Q. Why is Auburn always in the dark?
A. Because they're afraid of Alabama Power.
Q. What do you call a genius at Alabama?
A. Visitor.
Q. Whats the difference between Alabama and cheerios?
A. One belongs in a bowl. The other doesn't!
Q. What was the last thing David Housel said to Terry Bowden?
A. Don't let the door knob hit you in the head!
It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa. The University's response was "Why do we need another phone company?"
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Shug's House
After Bear Bryant dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bear a little two-bedroom house with a faded Alabama banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach," God says happily."Most people don't get their own houses up here."
Bear looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge, beautiful two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Auburn flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Auburn banner hangs between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God," Bear says. "But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner and Shug gets a mansion with Auburn banners and AU flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at him seriously for a moment, then says, "Bear, that's not Shug's house. That's mine."
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Quarters!
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.
The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?"
To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back every time!"
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Question and Answer
Q. Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
A. 3 dollars a year for a million years.
Q. What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A. Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.
Q. Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
A. Nobody admitted 17 and under.
Q. What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room?
A. A full set of teeth.
Q. Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama?
A. Everyone has the same DNA.
Q. A new law was passed in Alabama recently.
A. When a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister.
Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens.
"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"
"I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm......, five?"
An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"
The Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."
Q. Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
A. Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!
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No Driver
Several years ago the city of Birmingham decided to lease several English style double decker buses to transport the Auburn and Alabama fans to the Iron bowl. On this bus, the Auburn fans were on the bottom level and the Alabama fans were on the top deck. as we started off to the stadium, all of the Auburn fans were making a lot of noise yelling "War Eagle" and having a good time. We noticed that the Alabama fans were quiet. Not a sound was coming from the upper deck.
I decided to go up top and see what was wrong. As I arrived up top , I noticed that all of the Alabama fans had their hands clasped on the rail in front of them and they all were white as a sheet. I was stunned. I asked them why they all were so frightened?
They replied with fear in their eyes, "WE DON'T HAVE A DRIVER."
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Question and Answer
Q. How do you keep Freddie Kitchens from hitting you with a football?
A. Wear a Bama jersey!
Q. How did the Alabama student die from drinking milk?
A. The cow fell on him!
Q. Why do Alabama students have TGIF on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First!
Q. Did you hear about the Alabama quarterback who tried to throw himself on the floor in a fit of rage?
A. He missed!
Mom: Only 2 more minutes until 1998.
Dad: I'm going to bed.
Son: But Dad, you're going to miss the ball drop....
Dad: Hey Son, I've seen it plenty of times..I'm an Alabama fan you know!!
Q. What is the one thing that keeps so many Alabama football players from graduating?
A. CLASSWORK!
Q. Did you hear about the Alabama fan who froze to death?
A. He went to the drive in...He sat through "Closed for the season"!!
Q. How do you get an Auburn student off your porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza!
Two Auburn fans have been walking in the woods for eight hours when they stop and one turns to the other and says, "I'm cutting the next Christmas tree we find, lights or no lights."
Q. What's the difference between a University of Alabama sorority sister and a scarecrow?
A. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. The other frightens birds and small animals.
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Stupid Rednecks!
A guy went to Tuscaloosa and picked up one of those new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned on the radio and nothing happened.
Furious, he demanded to see the sales manager, and told him "When I buy a $50,000 car I expect the dang radio to work."
The sales manager explained to him that the radio had been programmed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio what he wanted to hear.
He got back into the car and said "Country music," and old Willie Nelson started singing. "Rock and roll," he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started crooning. "Easy listening," he remarked, and all at once it sounded like he was in an elevator. He was relaxed, driving up I-59 to Birmingham, and listening to smooth sounds.
Then a pickup truck with two good ole boys almost ran him off the road. "Stupid rednecks!" he screamed. The radio immediately blurted out, "TOUCHdooooooooown AllaBAAAAAAAmaaa!!!!"
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You're probably an Auburn fan if ...
... You can play the Auburn fight song using your armpit.
... Your wife's idea of cleaning house is throwing everything out into the yard.
... The Roto-Rooter man stops by your trailer and asks, "What's that smell?"
... You're a member of the Skoal Frequent Purchaser Program.
... You looked up your family tree and your uncle spit on you.
... You joined Alcoholics Anonymous so you can drink and use a different name.
... You looked out for #1 and stepped in #2 !!!
... You won't buy a Japanese car because you're afraid you won't understand what they say on the radio.
... Your kids go to a private school and they won't tell you where it is.
... Your Granny beats you in the tobacky spittin' contests.
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Length vs. Height
Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top.
An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground.
The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out " We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot"
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Question ans answer
Q. What is the difference between a litter of puppies and Alabama fans?
A. The puppies stop whining after 6 weeks.
Two Auburn fans are walking in the woods. One says, "Look! A dead bird."
The other one looks up into the sky and says, "Where?"
Q. Do you know the difference between an Auburn fan getting run over by a car and an Alabama fan?
A. There are skid marks in front of the Bama fan!!
Two innebriated Auburn fans are walking along a railroad track.
One says, "Darn! These stairs are killin' me!"
The other says, "It's ain't the stairs I can't stand, it's the low handrails!"
Q. What's a seven course meal at Auburn?
A. A possum and a six-pack.
Q. Do you know why Terry Bowden was fired?
A. He was too short to step down.
An Alabama offensive lineman who doesn't hold, a humble Florida Gator, and Santa Claus all checked into the same hotel. As they entered the elevator, they spotted a $50 bill on the floor. Who ended up with the money and why?
Answer: Santa Claus - the other two aren't real!
Q. What do they put on the bottoms of Coke bottles at Auburn?
A. Please open other end.
This year's Auburn team is so sorry they have to buy a house just to get a yard.
Q. How do you keep an Auburn football player out of your yard?
A. Put a goal post in it.
Q. How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but it takes a roomfull to sit around and talk about how the BEAR would have done it.
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Doughnut Seeds
An Alabama and an Auburn cheerleader where each late for breakfast at cheerleading camp so they had to eat cereal instead of a hot breakfast.
The Alabama cheerleader fixed her bowl of Cheerios and went to sit at a nearby table.
The Auburn cheerleader picked up the box and started to poor herself some, but suddenly stopped with a dumb look on her face.
The Alabama cheerleader asked her what was wrong, to which the Auburn cheerleader replied, "Nothing. I've just never seen doughnut seeds before!"
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Firing Squad
A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad.
First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, "Ready, aim...."
The Bama alum yells "Sandstorm!" and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away.
The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said "Ready, aim.....";
The Tennesseean shouted " Tornado!!!!". All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped.
The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted "Ready, aim...."
The Aubie shouted "FIRE!"
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Can't Get Out!
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.
As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"
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Brains
A football fan walks into a small shop in Birmingham. He spots a bottle labeled "New York Football Player Brains" , $5 an ounce. He asks the clerk if there are any other bottles.
The clerk replies, "Well, we've got Tennessee brains for $10 an ounce, and Alabama football brains for $1,000,000 an ounce."
The man says, "Why the big difference in price?"
The clerk answers,"Do you know how many Alabama football players we have to kill to get an ounce of brains!"
Alaska Jokes
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
. . .the mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
. . .there is only one shopping plaza in town.
. . .the municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
. . .the major parish fundraiser isn't bingo - its sausage making.
. . .you find -60c a might chilly.
. . .the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
. . .you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewels and your Sorrels.
. . .you can play road hockey on ice skates.
. . .shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
. . .you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .when it warms up to -35 degrees(Fahrenheit) and you go out in your shirt sleeves to wash you car.
. . .when you drive for a mile on square tires on a -65 morning before they eventually become normal.
. . .when you have to put your sun visor down at 3:00 a.m.
. . .all of your relatives refer to you as that crazy person that lives up there.
. . .your kids think that you have to get on a airplane to go on vacation.
. . .freezing, 32 degrees(Fahrenheit), is warm enough to wash your car.
. . .you only own four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
. . .you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
. . .the mosquitoes have landing lights.
. . .you have more miles on you snowblower than your car.
. . .you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
. . .you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
. . .driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.
. . .you think sexy lingerie is fleece socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
. . .you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
. . .at least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
. . .the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
. . .your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
. . .you think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
. . .you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .you take off your shirt and your arms are as pale as your legs all the way to your wrists.
. . .you know that the term "Break Up" has more to do with the weather than personal relationships.
. . .your monthly phone bill is larger than your house payment.
. . .there is a bottle of Avon's Skin-So-Soft in your tackle box.
. . .you don't know anyone who doesn't own a 4-wheeler.
. . .you have ever taken a trip "outside" and tried to cash a traveler's check, drawn on an Alaskan bank, and the cashier asked you the current exchange rate in Alaska.
. . .you have ever washed your car while there was still snow on the ground.
. . .you have ever power washed your car by parking driver's side into the rain in the morning, and passenger side into the rain in the afternoon. (a Dutch Harbor thing)
. . .you have tennis elbow but have never played tennis, just snagged a lot of salmon.
. . .you know a honey bucket is really a bucket, but it's not really full of honey. (If you don't know, don't ask)
. . .you know that the Rat Net is not a rodent catching device.
. . .you know the Naknek twitch is an illegal fishing technique, not a spasmodic muscle in your neck.
. . .you travel for two days to get outside but none of your family members will travel more than two minutes to visit you.
. . .you learned to swim indoors.
. . .you leave your Christmas lights up, year round, because as soon as it gets warm enough to take them down it starts getting dark enough to put them up again.
. . .your bedroom windows are covered in aluminum foil.
. . .you had waffle soles put on your cowboy boots.
. . .your monthly veterinarian bill is more than your own medical bill.
. . .you know that a "handi-man-jack" is a device designed to lift a car to change a flat, not a guy named Jack that comes around your house on Saturdays to repair minor problems.
. . .you know a "white out" has to do with winter conditions not correcting fluid for typos.
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Living in Paradise
Jan. 10 5:00 P.M. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!
Jan. 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.
Jan. 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night, and the temperature has dropped to around 11degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish-gray.
Jan. 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my butt in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Jan. 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter-panel. Had another 8 inches of the white stuff last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That darn snowplow came by twice today.
Jan. 15 -2 degrees outside. More blasted snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totaled.
Jan.16 Darn blasted white snow keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the jerk that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to open our driveway again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.
Jan.17 Six darn more inches of blasted snow and sleet and ice and God knows what other kind of white crap fell last night. I wounded the snowplow jerk with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snow blind. I can't move my toes. I haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind chill -62 degrees. I'm moving back to Albuquerque.
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You Know You're In Alaska When...
. . .when you're outside at -40 below , shoveling snow in your shorts , well you know it's a hassle putting on all those cloths for just 10 minutes.
. . .when your friend calls you up and says "Hey, I have some furniture for sale. Is there enough room in your igloo for it?"
. . .you are vacationing in Hawaii when a beautiful woman in a bikini walks by and you think, "Boy, I'd sure like to see her in a snowmobile suit."
. . .you can see the road through the floorboard of your pickup truck.
. . .you have called an 800 number you found in a catalog and then were told "Alaska? Oh, we don't ship out of the United States." (Try saying "North Pole", most places usually laugh for a solid minute, or they just hang up thinking you're some kind of prankster.)
. . .you put up with the pain of a toothache until the Permanent Fund Dividend checks come out in October.
. . .you know going "outside" involves a whole lot more than opening a door and walking into the yard.
. . .you have ever worn a tie with waders.
. . .you have learned to never say to your kids, "Be home by dark."
. . .you know Bunny Boots aren't worn by bunnies or made out of bunnies.
. . .you know the meaning of the word "baleen" and it has nothing to do with making hay into large cubes.
. . .you think it's normal for a town to put all the businesses on one side of the road.
. . .there are only three seasons: winter, breakup, summer.
. . .your local golf course has "happy hour" between 1:00 and 2:00 am
. . .the seat in your outhouse is lined with styrofoam so your butt won't freeze to it when you have to sit down for a amount of time.
. . .when you have to set your alarm every three hours to go start you car and let it run for 20 min. so hopefully it will start in the morning so you can go to work.
. . .when you leave the water running in the sink so your pipes won't freeze and you can't sleep because all you can hear is the water running.
. . .Instead of plugging in your freezer you just move it to the front porch!
. . .You open your freezer to take out something for dinner, and are faced with many choices, Pink Salmon, Silver Salmon, Red Salmon, King Salmon, Smoked Salmon, or Halibut!
. . .You go to shop for a second vehicle and come home with a snowmobile!
. . .you're buying a house & you have to ask for water & electricity as an option.
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Alaska's More Important Laws
Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.
It is the state policy that emergencies are held to a minimum and are rarely found to exist.-Sec. 44.62.270. State policy.
It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
In Fairbanks it is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Top 10 Reasons To Live in Alberta, Canada
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat, wife-beating alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban VLT's
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
Arizona Jokes
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
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Dumb Arizona Laws
Hunting camels is prohibited.
Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
Glendale
Cars may not be driven in reverse.
Globe
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
Hayden
If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
Maricopa County
No more than six girls may live in any house.
Mesa
It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
Mohave County
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
Nogales
An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
Prescott
No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
Tucson
Women may not wear pants.
Tombstone
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
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Ode to Arizona
The Devil wanted a place on earth.
Sort of a summer home:
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.
So he picked out Arizona.
A place both wretched and rough.
Here the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys were hardened and tough.
He dried up the streams in the canyons
and ordered no rain to fall:
He dried up the lakes in the valleys,
Then baked and scorched it all.
Then over his barren desert
He transplanted shrubs from Hell.
The cactus, thistle and prickly pear --
The climate suited them well.
Now, the home was much to his liking.
But animal life, he had none:
So he created crawling creatures
That all mankind would shun.
First he made the rattlesnake.
With its forked poisonous tongue:
Taught it to strike and rattle
And how to swallow its young.
Then he made Scorpions and Lizards
And the ugly old Horned Toad.
He placed spiders of every description
Under rocks by the side of the road.
Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter.
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old Horned Toad looked ill.
Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom.
As any creator would:
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.
'Twas summer now and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his wearthy brow.
So he took off his coat and vest.
"By Golly," he finally panted
"I did my job too well.
I'm going back where I came from
Arizona is hotter than Hell!"
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You know you're in Arizona when ...
*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*You can make instant sun tea.
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
Arkansas Jokes
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
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Dumb Arkansas Laws
The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"
A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
Fayetteville
It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
Little Rock
Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
Atlanta Jokes
Some quick thoughts...
1. Atlanta is comprised entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out of Downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.
2. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House..."
3. Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Peachtree Circle, Peachtree Place, Peachtree Battle or Peachtree Corners.
4. Atlanta is the home of Coca Cola. That抯 all we drink here, so don抰 ask for any other soft drink... unless it抯 made by Coca Cola.
5. Atlantan's only know their way to work and their way home.
6. Gate One at the Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse.
7. It抯 impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don抰 feel lost....they抮e just on a "scenic drive."
8. The 8 a.m. rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30 a.m. The 5:00 p.m. rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m. Friday抯 rush hour starts Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00 a.m. Saturday.
9. Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody... especially those of us who live here.
10. "Sir" and "Ma抋m" are used by the person speaking to you if there抯 a remote possibility that you抮e at least 30 minutes older than they are.
11. "Sugar" is a more common form of address than "Miss". So is "Honey". "Honey" is always used by Waffle House waitresses.
12. Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their head to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is "pont duh LEE-on")
13. The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.
14. If you抮e standing on a corner and a MARTA Bus stops, you抮e expected to get on and go somewhere.
15. Atlanta is pronounced "LAN-uh".
16. Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta抯 version of Old Faithful erupts.
17. Construction crews aren抰 doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
18. Atlanta抯 traffic is the friendliest around. The commuters spend hours mingling with each other twice a day. In fact, Atlanta抯 traffic is rated number 1 in the country. You will often see people parked beside the road and engaged in lively discussions.
19. Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name.
20. Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the AutoBahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing home after a grueling day at the salon or the tennis match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool.
A little boy asked his mother for a lot of money and was told he had to go pray and if he was a good boy, God might give it to him. So he prays, "God, I've been a very good boy and I would like... Well, I've been a good boy at least, and I would like you to... Well, I've been an okay boy, Lord, and I really want..." He realizes he hasn't been good at all, so he runs to the church, grabs a figure of the Virgin Mary, and goes back home. "God, I got your mother. If you want her back, you know what to do."
Top 10 Reasons To Live in British Columbia, Canada
1.Weed
2.Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges
3.The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4.The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5.Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6.A university with a nude beach
7.You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8.If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
9.There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on
10.Cannabis
California Jokes
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
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Dumb California Laws
Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Bathhouses are against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.
Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
Long Beach
Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
Los Angeles
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
You may not hunt moths under a street light.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
Toads may not be licked.
It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
Zoot suits are prohibited.
Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
San Diego
It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
San Francisco
Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
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A short story...
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten teargas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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Greater Los Angeles Area Driver's License Application
Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male
___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely
operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please indicate activities you perform while driving:
Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times
a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
b) How many times you expect to be shot at while driving: _____
Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
If none, please explain: _______________________________
What is the length of your daily commute?
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
TEST (Please indicate the correct answer):
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your
car on TV in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular
phone company for your 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) Stop your car
b) Keep driving and hope for the best
c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the event of rain, you should:
a) Never drive over 5 MPH
b) Drive twice as fast as usual
c) You're not sure what "rain" is
When stopped by police, you should:
a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit
Please turn your test in to the lady behind the bulletproof
virtual window on your left.
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Californians
A Texan, a Californian, and a Nevadan were out riding their horses.
The Texan pulled out an expensive bottle of whiskey, took a long draught, then another, and then suddenly threw it into the air, pulled out his gun and shot the bottle in midair.
The Californian looked at the Texan and said, "What are you doing? That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!! The Texan replied, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.
A while later, not wanted to be outdone, the Californian pulled out a bottle of champagne, took a few sips, threw the half full champagne bottle into the air, pulled out his gun, and shot it in midair.
The Nevadan couldn't believe this and said "What the heck did you that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!! The Californian replied, "In California there is plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
A while later, the Nevadan pulled out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He opened it, took a sip, took another sip, then chugged the rest. He then put the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulled out his gun, turned, and shot the Californian.
The shocked Texan said "Why in the hell did you do that?"
The Nevadan replied, "Well, in Nevada we have plenty of Californians and bottles are worth a nickel."
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing
for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him,
resting on
the
seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed
downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've
made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm
going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of
balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained,
pointing to
different parts of Earth, "For
example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity
and
wealth, >while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle
East
over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a
continent
of white people and over there is a continent of black
people,"
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one
will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very
>>cold and
covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large
land mass
in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on
Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams
and an
exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be
modest,
intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found
traveling the
world.
They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving,
and they
will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers
of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed;
"What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth
>>bastards I'm
putting next to them...."
A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked, "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."
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White Sox Jokes
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Sox fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Sox fans too. Not really knowing what a Sox fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Sox fan."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"Why I'm proud to be a Chicago Cubs fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a Cubs fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Cubs fans, and I'm a Cubs fan too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Sox fan."
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"It's hard to put your finger on it. You have to have a dullness of mind and spirit to play here. I went through pyschoanalysis and that helped me deal with my Cubness."--Jim Brosnan, former Cubs pitcher
"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem. There's nothing to cheer about."--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field
"If I managed the Cubs, I'd be an alcoholic."--Whitey Herzog
"There's nothing wrong with this team that more pitching, more fielding and more hitting couldn't help."--Bill Buckner
"You get tired of looking at garbage in your own backyard."--Cubs manager Lee Elia in 1983 about why the Cubs got rid of so many players. Elia was fired later that same season.
"The Cubs were taking batting practice, and the pitching machine threw a no-hitter."--Radio deejay
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman
"Would the lady who left her nine kids at Wrigley Field please pick them up immediately? They are beating the Cubs 4-0 in the 7th inning."--Radio deejay
"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth."--Joe Garagiola
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no action."--Garagiola again
Q: Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
A: Two sips and then you choke.
"The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win."--pianist George Shearing
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Twenty major events that have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19. The Cubs played 14,153 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
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A wicked Chicago man died and went to the place all wicked people go. The Devil decided to shove him in a room and cranked the heat and humidity up.
The man smiled. When the Evil One asked why the man was smiling he said: "Just like Chicago in Spring"
So the Most Evil One cranked up the heat and humidity more. The man removed his coat, smiled, and said:
"Just like Chicago in Summer"
This time the Destroyer of Beauty cranked the heat and humidity to maximum.
The man removed his shirt and tie and said
"Just like Chicago in August"
The Devil then got an idea. He shut off the heat and turned on the air conditioning. The room froze in seconds. Ice was everywhere. Polar bears hid in dens because it was so cold. Satan, confident he had finally won, peaked in the man's room only to find the man cheering and partying frantically....
"The Cubs won the World Series...The Cubs won the World Series..."
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Going to Chicago
There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago. She boards the plane and sits in the first class area. The flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The flight attendant leaves and explains the situation to the head flight attendant. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The flight attendants look at each other in amazement and decide to get assistance from the captain. A few minutes later, the head flight attendant approaches her and says "Excuse miss, your ticket says coach so you'll have to move to the coach area."
The blonde explains, "I'm blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to Chicago."
The captain shakes his head, then bends down and whispers in the blonde's ear. A moment later, she gets up from her seat suddenly, grabs her luggage, and rushes over to the coach area.
One of the flight attendants asks the captain, "What on Earth did you say to her?"
The captain explains, "I told her first class wasn't going to Chicago."
Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?
A: You never leave home.
Colorado Jokes
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
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Dumb Colorado Laws
Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days. (Repealed)
It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
Colorado Springs
It is permissable to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
Crippe Creek
It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
Denver
The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
Durango
It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
Logan County
It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
Pueblo
It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
Sterling
Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
Connecticut Jokes
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
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Dumb Connecticut Laws
You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour. In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays. The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed) It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
Devon
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
Guilford
Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
Hartford
You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.
New Britain
It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
Southington
Silly string is banned.
Waterbury
It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
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A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package: two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
Delaware Jokes
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
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Dumb Delaware Laws
It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
Lewes
It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist.
Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.
Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
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Q. Why has Kevin keegan banned his players from owning dogs?
A. Because they can't hang onto a lead.
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The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him the England football team.
Florida Jokes
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
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Dumb Florida Laws
Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.
It is considered an offense to shower naked.
You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
Big Pine Key
It is illegal to molest a Key deer. If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
Cape Coral
It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline.
It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street. This law is limited to only those who do not own the house. (Repealed 2000)
Daytona Beach
The molestation of trash cans is banned.
Sec. 10-56. While intoxicated, under influence of narcotics, prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired. (Code 1955, ?28-64)
Sec. 22-44. Storage, depositing prohibited. It shall be unlawful for any person, either as owner, occupant, lessee, agent, tenant, or otherwise, to store or deposit, or cause or permit to be stored or deposited, any abandoned, junked or discarded motor vehicle or motor vehicles upon any public or private property within the city. (Code 1955, ?20-11)
Sec. 18-2. Weeds, trash, etc., as a public nuisance; removal by property owner or by city at owner's expense; notice and hearing; lien for expenses. (a) The existence of weeds, trash, undergrowth, brush, filth, garbage or other refuse on any lot, tract or parcel of land within the city which has caused the property to become, or which may reasonably cause the property to become infested, or inhabited by rodents, vermin or wild animals, or may furnish a breeding place for mosquitoes or threatens the public health, safety or welfare, or may reasonably cause disease or adversely affects and impairs the economic welfare of the adjacent property, is declared to constitute a public nuisance and is hereby prohibited.
Hialeah
Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
Jupiter Inlet Colony Inlet
Sec. 3-1. Bird sanctuary declared. (a) It is hereby declared that all territory embraced within the corporate limits of the municipality shall be a bird sanctuary. (b) It shall be unlawful for any person within the municipality to shoot, trap or in any manner kill, wound or maim any bird of any kind, or at any time to throw at any birds of any kind any missile with slingshots or any other weapon, or to disturb their eggs or their young or their nests. (Ord. No. 8-59, Ё 1, 2, 8-10-59)
Key West
Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.
Miami
It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
Sec. 8-3. Bell or other warning device. No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle. (Code 1967, ?8-3; Code 1980, ?8-3)
Pensacola
Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.
It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.
A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
Pinecrest
In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained. Sec. 12-23. Registration required; application; transferability; false statements. (a)All persons must complete and submit to the village an emergency contact registration form for their alarm if they operate or cause to be operated an alarm system in the village. A separate registration is required for each alarm system. Upon receipt of a completed registration form, the police department shall issue a numbered alarm sticker to the applicant to facilitate retrieval of registration information. (Ord. No. 97-17, ?1, 10-14-97)
Sanford
Stage nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
Sarasota
If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00.
You may not catch crabs.
Tampa Bay
It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
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Did you hear that they have removed Al Gore's name from consideration for the University of Alabama Head Coaching job? He can't win in Tennessee, either!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly...and for the same reason.
Al Gore's Biography: "Bad Timing: A Presidential Obsession"
Gore, Nader, and Bush went on a boat trip. During their trip, the boat began to sink. As there were three of them, and only one life vest, they decided to vote on who would get it. They passed a hat around, then counted the ballots. Bush got one vote. Nader got one vote. Gore got seven votes.
"What's the difference between Al Gore and a puppy? After three weeks, a puppy opens its eyes and stops whining."
"Why hasn't Bush commented on the rulings? He said he didn't think the judges were ready because he saw them in their robes this morning."
"What's the difference between Al Gore's inauguration and George W's? For Al Gore's they need 400 balloons; for Dubya's, they would need 400 balloons and a clown."
"According to the latest polls, 60 per cent of americans want Al Gore to concede the election. The other 40 per cent are lawyers working for Al Gore."
"You've got George W. Bush's intelligence pitted against Al Gore's honesty. This looks like a case for the small-claims court."
"President Clinton said the Florida votes should be recounted or America will be embarrassed in front of the whole world. Yes, that's right. The President went on to say, "Remember, embarrassing America in front of the world is my job."
"George W. Bush is very excited about becoming President. In fact he called his dad to get the address of the White House."
Florida State Mottos
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...
FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: This isn't good when Alabama counts faster than us!
FLORIDA: Once is never enough!
FLORIDA: We would do a recount but we've run out of fingers and toes!
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, I voted for Gore, I think.
FLORIDA: Don't blame me, my vote didn't count.
FLORIDA: We're retired --no wait-- we're retarded!
FLORIDA: Don't count on us!
FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.
FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!
Defining terms
C - Can
H - Help
A - All
D - Democrats
France Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
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Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"
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What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
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Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
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First witch: I'm going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft.
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