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These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.
Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"
Iguana: "The other green meat."
Nike: "Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes!"
Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"
The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in restaurants.
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania
Product Names
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent
Public service announcements around the world.
USA: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your children are?"
Italy: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your husband is?"
France: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your wife is?"
Poland: "It's ten o'clock. Do you know what time it is?"
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700
VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOUR VALENTINE - HAVE YOUR SEPTIC TANK PUMPED.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
PRESIDENT'S CHOICE - COW MANURE - 2 33lb bags - $5
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!
FROZEN SOFT & GENTLE BATH TISSUE - 4 ROLLS 99 CENTS
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s: INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE... BETTER BE A REWARD.
These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.
CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herbes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Dear Kill 17,000
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
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