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Sports Jokes
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Sports Jokes
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1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks--possibly a whole year--as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day--that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV--you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in
need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
*** Please call our 900 number to
ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include
cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature: _________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as they sweat with exhaustion.
Sigh of Wisdom
Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a dangerous body slam without injury.
Crossing Fingers
A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
Gift of Instruction
The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a technique correctly.
Seeing Without Seeing
The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)
Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on their knees in seiza.
Mugger's Defense
Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
Sensei's Downfall
Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.
Further requirements:
Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
Must be able to make up meaningless Zen koans on the spot.
Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between the movement of the lips and the voice).
Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot or something).
Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
Must be able to sing Karaoke.
Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy, throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or less.
Note:
Laughing at any time will disqualify the potential 11th dan. If a member of the Senior Board of Examiners makes a comment and then waits expectantly, it may be an indication that he has just made a joke. A half-smile may be tried at this time, but in no other instance.
The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
Tonya Harding Presents...
Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?
Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?
Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you?
Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......
Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization
That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.
Check out our price list:
Blow to the knee............................. $99.95
Blow to both knees (a better buy)............ $149.95
Blow to the head............................. $124.95
Knife in the back (tennis players only)...... $49.95
Kick in the groin (male athletes only)....... $9.95
Poking out one eye........................... $49.95
Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)... $79.95
Gun shot to the knee......................... $199.95
Gun shot to both knees....................... $299.95
Gun shot to the head......................... $499.95
Impalement in a public place................. $999.95
Prices subject to change without notice.
Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!
With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win
Digger Phelps' Words of Wisdom
From the NCAA Tournament:
"Basketball is a game of two halves."
"We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins."
"You're either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle."
"He's like all great players -- not great yet."
"You don't score 86 points without being able to shoot."
Things to do at a Bowling Alley
Everytime you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT, YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy.
Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
Wear Golf Shoes.
Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling.
Play bocci with extra lane balls
Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again
Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened.
Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off.
Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours.
Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away mumbling "how bad things happen"
Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
Rent all the shoes, eat them
Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics
Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling
Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn.
Bring a dartgun...Be inventive.
Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.
College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS
Name: _____________________________
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:
11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macy's
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
A Tallahassee area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.
Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Florida State Chop song come out the guys butt.
Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."
Annoyed by the naivet้ of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."
The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Florida State Chop song started playing.
Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that. I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song."
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.
"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"
"Really? How'd you do that?"
"I dropped the ball."
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
God and Satan were going to have a baseball game. God proudly states that Satan doesn't have a chance, as God has Mickey Mantle, Joe Dimaggio, Lou Gherig, Babe Ruth, and all the other legends of the game. Satan chuckles quietly and says, "Yeah, but I have the umps."
Two Irish fishermen are out fishing when their boat starts to sink. They get into their dory and after a few days of drifting on the sea, one of them sees an old lamp in the bottom of the dory. He thinks to himself, what the heck maybe I will be lucky, so he rubs the old lamp. A genie appears and tells him that he can grant him only one wish then he will disappear. The Irishman thinks for a moment then says make the ocean into the finest beer in the world. Poof, it happens and the genie vanishes. The Irishman tries the beer and it is the best he has ever tasted. Try it he says to his fellow Irishman. Well, it is very good, but look at the mess we're in, now we have to pee in the boat!
A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.
Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.
The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"
British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.
Two newfies were hunting moose in the woods. They shot one on the last day of the hunt. They began to haul the moose out of the woods by the tail. They got to the road and started pulling the moose towards their truck. On the way to the truck they came across another hunter. The hunter asked them why they were pulling the moose by the tail. They simply responded, "We don't know." The other hunter told them that they should pull it by the antlers because it was a lot easier. The two newfies thanked the man, and began pulling the moose by the antlers. About an hour later, one newfie said to the other, "Bud, this sure is a lot easier pulling it this way, but... why do we keep getting farther and farther away from the truck??"
Murphy's Laws of Martial Arts
Ten scientific principles that apply to the study of all martial arts:
The wimp who made it through the eliminations on luck alone will suddenly turn into Bruce Lee when you're up against him.
The referee will always be looking the other way when you score.
The day you leave work early to make it to class on time, the sensei will be sick.
The sensei will only use you during demonstrations for joint-locking techniques.
If you have to use your training in self-defense, your attacker's father will be a lawyer.
After a flawless demonstration, you will trip on your way back to your seat.
After years of training without a single injury, you will pull a groin muscle the night before your black belt exam.
In an otherwise vacant locker room, the only other person will have the locker right next to yours.
No matter how many times you take care of it before your promotion exam, you will invariably have to go to the bathroom when it's your turn.
Supplemental Rules for Bowling
If you holler "overs!" before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.
Reasons why a normal Car is a far superior vehicle than a F1 Car
"Hundreds of people and tens of millions of dollars go into building an F1 car, but a normal car is a far superior vehicle. You wonder what goes through those guys' minds when design their cars. THEY'RE ALL WRONG!!!!"
No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!
No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.
No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.
No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.
No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.
No ashtrays and electric lighter...
No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?
No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.
No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?
No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.
Only one brake light...
Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?
No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?
No trunk...
No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)
High fuel consumption...
Engines that don't last...
Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...
Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.
No sun visor... Must be fun driving those things with the sun in the eyes. Talk about accidents waiting to happen.
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
and the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site...
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
This list is copyrighted by Chris White.
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