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10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 excuse to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.
1. " ...... AMEN!"
10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.
1.Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.
2.Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
3.Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
4.With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them.
5.Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."
7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing.
8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".
11.?€?Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo..
12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
1. Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically,
bragging that you 'got the last one.'
2. Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants,
staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'
3. Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song.
Invite others to join you.
4. Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.
5. Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading
it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.
6. Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.
7. Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that
the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.
8. Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.
9. Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel'
on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about
'cheap Japanese crap.'
10. Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a drive-through.
11. Stand at the washroom door carrying a baseball bat and ask everyone
in a low voice if they washed their hands.
12. Gnaw on your mouse, make cat noises, and lick your hands from time to time.
13. Walk into people's offices, taking a careful look around. Talk into
your shirt, saying 'No sign of him yet, Chief.'
14. When the phone rings, answer by saying 'KBBL, you're on the air.'
15. Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them
your computer just had a baby.
16. Paint your face blue and start searching around in people's desk drawers.
Ask them if they've seen your pills.
17. Create a document that is entirely black and print hundreds of copies.
Use the print-outs as wallpaper for your office.
18. Build a fire pit out of cinder blocks in the staff room. Place a stack
of firewood in the corner, along with matches, lighter fluid, hot dogs,
and marshmallows.
19. Place a row of liquor bottles on your desk, and a sign on your door
which reads 'NO COVER!' Announce loudly that it's happy hour.
20. Get in the elevator and pretend to hold the door open for invisible people.
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.
1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
The AOL Car
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots'a pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."
The Top Signs That Your Net Relationship Is Over
1. All of a sudden, she's typing in a different font.
2. Instead of hearing that lovely "You've Got Mail" statement when you use America OnLine, you hear "You Just Got Dumped!"
3. Your connection to his server is constantly refused.
4. You get a Dear John E-mai...Your name is Fred.
5. They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.
6. She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!
7. She tells you that she's been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!
8. During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!
Things Adults Learn From Kids:
1. There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
5. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
8. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too late.
12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
13. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
18. Duplos will not.
19. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
20. Super glue is forever.
21. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
22. Ditto Tarzan.
23. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
24. Pool filters do not like Jello.
25. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
28. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
30. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
31. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time.
32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
33. It will however make cats dizzy.
34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
35 Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
36. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Doesn't It Annoy You When...
1. ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
5. ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
7. ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
10. ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
11. ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
12. ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
13. ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
14. ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.
15. ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
16. ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
If AOL Were A City...
1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.
Top Advantages of An Asteroid Really Hitting Earth
1. For starters, you'd be able to surf in South Dakota.
2. Wouldn't have to hear that garbage Aerosmith song anymore.
3. The one dinosaur on the planet (here's a clue..he's purple) would be extinct.
4. We'd miss out on Tony Danza's or Jenny McCarthy's next sitcom.
5. Puts a major damper on that Molly Hatchet/Judas Priest reunion tour.
6. Pretty good chance that the Gorditas Dog from the Taco Bell commercials wouldn't survive.
7. There'd be no more movies on the topic, that's for sure.
The Top Don'ts At The Office Christmas Party
1. Don't go up to your boss and make the comparison of him with Santa because he's fat, jolly and only works one day out of the year.
2. Don't put your boss in a sleeper hold just to bargain for a better salary.
3. Don't offer anyone a hit from your Egg-Nog funnel.
4. Don't call your best client and tell him how much you fudged his books by just so you could throw this party in the first place.
5. Don't chase the secretary around with mistletoe and an eggbeater.
6. Don't tell your boss that you're the one that runs the company.
Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation
As Hostage Taker:
1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
9. Forget your gun at home.
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
As Negotiator:
1. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off.
2. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It all you you you! What about my needs?!"
3. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly.
4. Show up stoned and do anything at all.
5. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!"
6. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
7. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
8. Tell the hostage taker you think it'd be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window.
9. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
10. When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wimp attitude like that."
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Top Things You Should Not Say At A Funeral
1. Geez, what died in here?
2. He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
3. Nice service...where's the keg?
4. When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
5. Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
6. Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
7. You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
8. Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.
by Scott Corliss
1. The Communist Manif
The Top 10 Signs Your Broker Was Affected by the Stock Market Crash
1. "He can't come to the phone right now..he's on the ledge."
2. "He won't be in today...he was made an offer and he refused."
3. "He left the building and not via the elevator..if you catch my drift."
4. "I'm sorry, sir..she's not in...she's out digging up your can as we speak."
5. There's a sign on her desk that says "Next Broker Please."
6. "He's on another line with his Mommy..would you care to hold?"
7. "No sir, that wasn't him streaking through the Stock Exchange"
8. "He's meeting with the SEC as we speak."
9. "I'm sorry, ma'am but that was him being led from the Stock Exchange naked except for the sale tickets stuck to his body via maple syrup."
10. "Yes sir, that is him in the White Bronco leading the cops down the freeway."
Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
15."I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)
Ten Things A Cat Thinks About
1. I could have sworn I heard the can opener.
2. Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?
5. Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!
The Top 10 Things To Check The Salad Bar Before You Load Your Plate Up
1. Anything that's moving.
2. Green Carrots.
3. Moldy Croutons.
4. Body parts.
5. Blood in the French Dressing.
6. A cucumber slice with a bite out of it.
7. I've seen the movie...they could be there so watch out for Killer Tomatoes!!!
8. Lettuce that closely resembles Astroturf.
9. How should I put this...let's just that the sneeze guard didn't do its job and there's something phlegm related in the radishes.
10. The body of Harold, the dim-witted drive thru clerk who kept messing up orders, under the ice on the bar.
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