How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this... YOW!
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
Drawling granny voice: Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Answering machine message 08
C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go!
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Answering machine message 102
With apologies to Robert Burns:
O ma phone is but an ebon box,
Wha' rings when I'm awa'.
And my tape machine waits,
For your call,
This message for ta play.
So leave ye message at the beep,
Then bide ye well a while,
For I will hear your voice,
ONE DAY,
and call ye wi' a smile.
Answering machine message 103
"Under the Boardwalk":
Oh, when you call our room,
and all you get is a machine,
and then you get so upset,
you feel as if you want to scream.
Please leave a message
after the be-ep.
And John or Tom will get back you,
as soon as they can.
"Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background: You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you.
Answering machine message 106
Hitchhikers Guide theme: The Cerius Cybernetic Corporation was happy to correct the problem of all that icky person-to-person conversation that happens when people actually pick up the phone and talk to each other. So they added the "answering machine," which will cleverly record your message and play it back at the wrong speed, to make everyone who calls you sound like they have partaken a large supply of helium. Unless your message is REALLY important, in which case, the machine simply breaks its own tape, to insure that you never get the message at all. It would be a shame to waste all this brilliant technology, so please attempt to leave a message.
Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep and whoever wins will call you right back.
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket. If this is John, Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the... Pope. Yeah that's it.
Answering machine message 115
(Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:) Hello! Due to the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village 286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters. However, if you leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get back to you when the 453rd truce begins.
Answering machine message 117
John: Brad, will you get the phone?
Brad: (Sound of frantically clattering keyboard.) I can't! I'm playing Omega!
John: Ambar, will you get the phone?
Ambar: I can't! I'm late for work! (Sound of slamming door.)
John: Aimee, will you get the phone?
Aimee: (Sound of running water.) I can't! I'm in the shower!
John: Glenn, will you get the -- (disgusted) Ah, Glenn's in Denver. Please leave a message.
Answering machine message 12
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
I'm pretending that I'm marooned on a desert island with Dana Delany, Linda Carter, and Sharon Lawrence. Since I don't have a telephone there, you could leave a message in a bottle at the sound of the beep, and maybe it'll wash up on my beach in a few days. Then if the professor gets stranded here, we'll create a satellite uplink from a few coconuts and a palm leaf and I'll get right back to you.
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.
(Slight echo as if spoken in a large underground cave:) Help me, please help me. I'm down here in the thing you're holding in your hand. I can't get out because my leg is broken and my hand is stuck between two wires. Wait, what's that in the dark? OH NO, not a... a... a... Oh no, it IS! (Crunching noise.)
Answering machine message 123
(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.
Answering machine message 124
(Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:) I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's handling supporting fire! Leave your name and number, and a message! We'll get back to you as soon... FIRE IN THE HOLE! (BOOM!) We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms the place!
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