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Morals & Thoughts
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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all daylong?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splattering when he hit the floor.
Moral of the Story:
Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral of the story is: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes.
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings . . . they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos . . . then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
Once upon a time there was a little boy who lived in a house that had train tracks running behind it. The boy's father always warned him against playing around the train tracks, but boys will be boys so he often played around the tracks despite the warnings from his father.
One day, after playing by the tracks all afternoon, the tired and sat down on the tracks to rest. Before he knew it, a train came by, ran over his ass, and cut part of it off.
When the boy's father came home and discovered what had happened, he told the boy that not only would he have to go through the rest of his life missing part of his ass, that he was greatly disappointed in him for not heeding his warnings.
That night, unable to sleep, the boy laid in bed pondering about going through the rest of his life half ass and how disappointed his father was at him. Suddenly he had an idea. He went out to the tracks and began searching for the lost part of his ass. If only he can find it, he thought, I would have a whole ass once again and be in the good graces of his father.
Alas...the boy searched and searched, but couldn't find even a shred of the missing part from his ass. Soon the boy became tired and sleepy. Disappointed, he slumped down and went to sleep with his head on one of the tracks.
A train came by, about that time, and ran over the boy's head and killed him.
And the moral to this story is....
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD OVER A PIECE OF ASS.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors ...but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys - all on different limbs, at different levels, some climbing up, and some dropping down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Big news. Scientists now say the hole in the ozone layer is millions of years old and apparently was caused by dinosaurs using too much hair spray.
I have to admit I'm doing much better on my diet since my wife put "The Club" on the refrigerator door.
Of course, the big question is: should we wait for the UN to do something or should we wait for Saddam Hussein and the Iraqi Army to die of natural causes?
I have an idea. How about if we invade Iraq with a crack commando team of former Enron executives?
I played golf Sunday and I set a record. I hit the same tree three times.
My doctor's time must be more valuable than mine. After all, he wears a Rolex, I wear a Timex.
The worst thing about earthquakes is that they're always followed by geology lectures.
I believe the health care system should be reformed and that the doctors should only collect if they cure the patients.
What this country really needs is a National Mental Health Plan for politicians.
Life is sweet. I haven't had a single charley horse since I sold my Thighmaster.
Let's face it, I'm just not fashion conscious. Heck, I still wear matching earrings.
The religious right is a little different. On Sunday they take up a collection for needy Republicans.
Teacher says, "Every time a Republican whines, an angel throws up"
You know it's not a 4-star restaurant when they serve the soup and salad in the same bowl.
The hostess said, "Do you prefer smoking or non-smoking?" And I said, "I don't really care as long as it's well done."
What this country really needs is a genetically-altered TV talk show host?
The Enron executives are easy to find. They all have high-ranking positions in the Bush administration.
Cook-outs are very popular, and why not? I mean, why slave in a hot kitchen when you can mess up an entire backyard?
Is there anything more wonderful than a barbecue? The smell of charcoal ... the sizzling of a steak ... the picturesque way bugs stick to the hot dogs.....
Your attention, please. Will the owner of the red 2002 Econo-Box, license number UBS-601, please report to the parking lot? Your bumpers are melting.
Dear Dr. Milkdud, movie psychiatrist: If I still haven't seen Blair Witch Project, should I get professional counseling or just cut back on my St. John's wort?
Okay, who else thinks Ross Perot and Jesse Ventura could have a hit sit-com?
So who'd be the star and who'd be the sidekick?
I bet one stock is up: any company that makes magnifying glasses to read the tiny print in the stock market section.
It's understandable that computer stocks would lead the plunge. Computers have perfected the art of crashing.
In the contact sport of marriage, you can be penalized for non-clipping -- if you prematurely throw out the coupon section.
Some things just don??t add up in this country. We have world class skaters who are 14 years old, 16-year-old tennis stars, 21-year-old golf champions ... and senators in the nineties!
What we need is an award show for celebrities who are not recovering alcoholics.
Nobody ever listened to reason during an election campaign.
So, who thinks George W. will choose brother Jeb as his running mate?
And brother Neil can be Secretary of the Treasury if he keeps his mouth shut.
Does it make it sense to interrupt a local TV newscast to promote the same local TV news department?
Isn't that a great opportunity to check out another station's news?
It's been a disappointing year. I was so hoping that Janet Reno and Kenneth Starr would investigate each other.
Did somebody say, "Shut up about McDonalds?"
The easier something is to prepare the less a husband likes it.
There??s so much drug abuse in the NFL, maybe all the games should be played at Mile High Stadium.
How can a person be expected to get to work on time when the doughnut shop is always on the other side of the street?
This just in. A group of terrorist dieters reportedly has kidnaped Richard Simmons and stuffed hot fudge, Rocky Road, and Cool Whip down his throat.
Today??s intriguing question. Do you suppose Bill Gates ever buys lottery tickets?
Okay, so has anybody ever seen a fast-food burger that looks as good as the ones in the TV commercials?
Obviously, on TV they use professional superburgermodels.
Since age 13 is the critical year in the fight against drug use, can we just send all 13-year-olds to their rooms for a year?
If we pay off the ACLU?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but since fashions always cycle, it's about time again for women to start wearing parachutes.
If 44% of U.S. college students have a serious alcohol problem, let's face it, the beer lizards are winning.
North Korea has long-range missiles. And if their people can find them, they'll eat them.
The tobacco industry must be stopped. I've felt that way ever since I quit smoking 12 years ago.
I want all the candidates to know that I will never vote for anyone stupid enough to be out campaigning in his heat.
No one should have to suffer from Alzheimer's with memory prices so low.
Nothing slows you down more than your cat catching a paw in your laser printer.
My baloney has a first name, it's f-a-t-t-y.
My wife washed my Odor Eaters. And put Bounce in the dryer. You should see the way I walk now.
Yesterday one of the new guys winked at me.
My bank says it will soon be paperless. I??m not intimidated?gas station restrooms have been paperless for years.
I made a killing in the market. The farmers market. I ran over a chicken.
Should you feel special if your cat can do a great impression of Yoko Ono?
What are your chances of success if you post a flyer in the barn seeking a ribeye donor?
Would anybody like to buy my used electricity for half price?
What if you got away from it all and there was no place to stay?
Esprit de Bribe is what makes the International Olympic Committee want to go for the gold.
Now that Madonna is middle-aged there's a 50% chance she'll stop buying underwear that has to be polished.
Unproven Theory Ready for Research: How much more is your electric bill due to transformer fried squirrels?
If you skip reading the classifieds and feel no adverse effects, should you be be really brave and try it with the front page.
I went to see the many sides of Sears, but they didn't have any ruby red tires to match my Corolla.
Contrary to popular belief, used-car salesmen are fairly honest with their customers. It's usually a condition of their parole.
Since the most dangerous drivers are young, male tailgaters, should you forget the road ahead and concentrate entirely on the rear-view mirror?
Does anyone have an HMO doctor whose name they can pronounce?
Hillary can live with the President because she loves him, which explains why Congress can't.
Why do they call it a pick-up truck if you have to load it?
How many Chihuahuas does it take to make a burrito?
You know it'll be a wonderful day when Mervyns has great prices on socks for everyone.
You could develope a computer program to bleep out profane words on TV, but it might drive your dog crazy.
To balance the ticket, how many think Al Gore should pick Carrot Top for his running mate?
To make a real difference, should you become an organ donor or blow up an embassy?
How come somebody doesn't make a baseball cap with four bills, one in each direction?
Wouldn't it make more sense to pick up the trash along the highways before they mow over it and chop it into millions of pieces?
Walking through the cosmetics department with all those dazzling fragrances leaves me over-dazzled.
Those $400 computers don't have a monitor, and those are the least frustrating kind.
I believe every word in the Bible from Genesis to maps.
And when I have time I'm going to read it.
It's hard to understand. Are the people driving really slow every morning afraid they'll be early for work?
We used to have a choice between expensive cars and economy cars. Now we have a choice between expensive cars and walking.
Doctors' waiting rooms are always full of sick people. You sit there for hours, hoping you don't get "the catch of the day."
Is Osama bin Laden's headpiece a turban or a bandage?
Why do all terrorists look like they might have fleas?
No matter what the U.S. does, Boris Yeltsin always seems to sober up long enough to put in his two rubles worth.
Republican morality does not include forgiving Democrats. And vice, of course, versa.
So, in reality, there's no such thing as political morality.
Isn't is about time somebody small tried to fly around the world on a goose?
Fortunately, this year we couldn't find enough relatives on speaking terms to hold a family reunion.
Manufacturing nerve gas takes a lot of cowardice.
I don't mind moving furniture now and then, but I really hate rearranging the trees in the front yard.
Even if you leave everything to your kids, you can't be sure they'll keep up the payments.
It's the American way: you always get an annual physical whether you need one or not, and your doctor always charges an arm and leg whether he needs them or not.
I'm adding voice recognition software to my computer so I can yell at it.
Kids mature a lot faster than they used to. And in case you haven't noticed, parents get old a lot faster, too.
I'd like to buy some expensive, world-class physical fitness workout clothes, but they'd clash with my body.
U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright has spent so much time in the Middle East, she is not recognized immediately by 4 out of 5 camels.
The most notable thing about live Internet surgery is that everybody's blood looks just like everybody else's.
Remember, next week the first 35-thousand drug dealers will get free Beanie Babies at Leavenworth.
It might work.
You're probably no longer middle-aged if you used to pay the same price for a gallon of gas that you now pay for a stamp.
Do you realize that Robin Hood and his Merry Men might never have existed if there had been been a 3-day waiting period to purchase bows and arrows?
I'm writing a screen play about the sexual hijinks of a bunch of politicians stranded on a desert island with a group of interns. I call it Swiss Family Clinton.
Don't you hate it when you're busy on the freeway dodging pickup trucks and somebody calls on your cellphone trying to sell you storm windows?
The newspaper on Sunday has less sex scandals per pound than on any other day, unless you consider the underwear ads scandalous.
At age 64 Barbara Eden of TV's I Dream of Jeannie still has magical powers, but she had to get a bigger bottle.
Today's international political question. Since Moscow now has more watermelons than rubles, should Boris Yeltsin switch to watermelon wine?
Back-to-school memory: You know you're not the teacher's pet when you take her an apple and she throws it at you.
If you bought your new house five years ago, unfortunately, you probably still haven't paid for the attic.
Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa are teriffic, but I relate better to Babe Ruth's pot belly.
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Do you realize we have ten Republicans and two Democrats running for president, and nobody's sex life has been investigated yet?
I think I would have enjoyed being a farmer -- if I could have taught the cows to use a litter box.
I even joined the 4-H Club. They told me the four H??s were head, hands, heart, and hooters.
If you sing in the shower, and really go for it, you can swallow a lot of water.
So, never shower for an hour after eating.
And always wear your life jacket.
You'll know summer is over when the squirrels start roasting their chestnuts in your bug zapper.
It??s tough being a (Tigers) fan. Try eating a hot dog with a bag over your head.
The beach is so colorful this time of year: shiny beer cans .... bright red and yellow fast food containers .... pastel candy wrappers......
There are a lot of foreign students in this country. They're easy to spot. They're the ones going to class.
The top TV shows are three news programs and Just Shoot Me. Obviously, American viewers are very discouraged.
You can tell there's a hint of autumn in the air when some kid's football smashes you in the face.
Marriage is like wine. The older it gets the more bottled up you feel.
Did you ever wonder if NBC realizes that a peacock is nothing but a turkey in drag?
It's back-to-school-time, kids -- time to wash that Thermos.
You know it's hot when you see a guy eating peanut brittle with a spoon.
Today??s cloning question. When you clone a cow from another cow, and the two cows meet, does the cloned cow experience deja moo?
It's hard to believe Dan Quayle has turned "liberal" into a four-letter word.
Oktoberfests are where we learn that old German tradition of pulling over to the side of the road before you get sick.
What I like most about this country is that everybody is equal?whether you??re a millionaire or a taxpayer.
No matter what you read in the tabloids, Bill Cosby insists he has never said that all pudding tastes like chocolate mashed potatoes.
I was going to quit smoking, but I heard that secondary smoke is worse.
Every time it rains cats and dogs, Bob Barker has a fit!
Does anybody remember -- was it the 1991 or the 1992 CMA Awards when Dwight Yoakum tripped over Crystal Gale's hair and broke his hat?
I decided to buy a mountain in Montana. I always wanted a mountain. And I don't have to make any payments until January 2000.
So what do you think? Do vampires observe daylight saving time?
Is there really a law that says guys who ride racing bicycles have to look so dorky?
Why is it that every road gang gives the flagman job to the fat guy?
Do you think there's a secret police force that goes around checking on who's tapign ball games without the express written permisison of Major-League Baseball?
What is the correct psychiatric diagnosis for a person who tapes the home shopping channel?
Dieting doesn??t bother me at all. As long as my wife does it. When I??m not at home.
Today's Question Crying Out For An Answer: If we can't do something to stop the rash of red light runners, will we have to install railroad crossing gates at every major intersection?
These days, with medical schools reporting a surplus of cadavers, your body's not worth much more than your opinion.
So, does the term "gubernatorial candidate" mean that anyone who runs for governor is a "goober?"
Okay, if I can't choose my own HMO doctor, in the waiting room can I at least choose my own magazine?
Don't you think a lot people would tune in a big TV special for animal lovers that featured Bob Barker caponizing Big Bird?
Where do those lawyers come from that advertise on TV? They look like the kind of guys who would "pass Go" and try to collect $400!
Why shouldn't right-wing Republicans try to gain power by emphasizing the family? It worked for the Mafia.
Anybody who'd wear a tongue stud would also probably buy an onion Popsicle.
So when the stock market plunges 200 points, where does that money go? Into safer investments like lottery tickets?
Fantasy Football -- that's when you think you can afford tickets to the game.
The stock market plunge is scary. Republicans may have to sail their old yachts another year.
Most Americans are out of shape because the only thing they ever exercise is their rights.
You know you??re maturing when you have Tex-Mex for dinner, and then wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming that Howard Stern, Janet Reno, and Allan Greenspan are singing Christmas carols on your front lawn.
When the stock market drops over a hundred points in one day, the experts call it a "correction." Which explains why every time it happens hundreds of brokers start drinking correction fluid.
You figure justice eventually will result in a shooting war between the NRA and Big Tobacco for control of the Republican Party.
They'll wipe each other out, and the rest of us can live safely ever after.
I don??t worry about Saddam Hussein. One of these days, when the Iraqi people wake up and figure out what??s going on, they??ll be flying his mustache at half mast.
Have you noticed? Doofus dictators always wear uniforms. It??s enough to make real soldiers want to fight naked.
The NHL could stop the fighting if they wanted to. Instead of giving a guy two minutes in the penalty box, make him play two minutes without a stick. Or a helmet. Or skates.
Or pants.
Republicans will never get caught on videotape accepting money. Their big campaign contributors are tobacco lobbyists, and the room is filled with so much smoke you can??t see the money change hands.
Now that it??s endorsed by the National Institute of Health, acupuncture is being used more often to relieve pain. The best way to use it is to hold the needles to your doctor??s throat until he prescribes morphine.
Free University in Berlin has a course on the "myth" of Princess Diana. This can only mean one thing: their football players must be flunking out of the course on schnitzel-making.
Democrats and Republicans have to stop hiding the truth from each other and get back to what our democracy is all about: hiding the truth from the people.
The newest survey says 52% of all Americans believe there??s a hell. The other 48% are single.
I have this recurring nightmare: Jerry Jones buys Arkansas, Bill Clinton goes back and is crowned king, and Barry Switzer commands the militia.
They build this big ugly concrete wall right through the middle of Texarkana.....
American scientists say it wouldn??t be right to create headless clones for growing transplant organs. Though it might be okay to use the headless humans for more ethical purposes, like playing college football.
This is interesting. Scientists studying dinosaur bones isay their research may help unravel other mysteries in evolution. Like, for example, how Marlon Brando evolved from Stanley Kowalski into the Sta-Puf Marshmallow Man.
This just in. Highly placed White House sources reveal that while President Clinton and Hillary were away, Socks has been catting around.
Republicans immediately called for the appointment of a special "prosecattor."
Something I??ve noticed about cellular phones. If you use them a lot, you pay a lot. If you don??t use them much, you pay a lot.
It??s not supposed to make sense, folks, it??s supposed to make money.
The new high-definition TV sets have wider screens. Wow, they can show even larger naked butts.
Be still, my stomach.
If I watch too much TV I have nightmares. Last night I dreamed I was begin chased all night by one of those beer frogs.
Talk about bad breath!
In a dream last week Drew Carey??s Mimi sat on me for two hours while Dave Thomas told me hamburger jokes.
Have you ever noticed that, apparently, the only reason some people take trips is to get good gas mileage?
Warning! Never operate heavy machinery immediately after taking the time to stop and smell Willie Nelson's breath.
The first thing a man does when he becomes a father is to change his mind about what he always thought he'd do when he became a father.
No matter how insensitive society becomes to sex, the average man will still feel uncomfortable strolling through the softer side of Sears.
I don't want to die in a plane crash at sea. I don't want to die on the freeway. I want to die in my Laz-Z-Boy recliner -- the same way I lived.
?? Sometimes I feel so inept. Like when there's a baseball player who's worth $250 million, and I can't remember his or her name.
?? Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
?? It's better to be poor than to be rich. The rich always have to fear becoming poor, but the poor never have to fear becoming rich.
?? Nothing is impossible if you don't have to do it yourself.
?? How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign commercial to be under oath?
?? Could it be that the people who have nothing to say are the ones we should listen to?
?? You'll be happy to know that so far, the funniest name my spell checker has come up with. Is Calista "Flowchart."
?? You never get tired if you rest a lot in advance.
?? Why is it that when you search the Web for a right answer, you always get 896-thousand wrong ones?
?? The election proves it: the patients are now running the asylum -- and doing a better job!
?? The Osama bin Laden jackpot is up to $5 million, but I don't know where to buy a ticket.
?? Real courage is a willingness to attack spaghetti in public.
?? It's hard to relate to this high-tech world when your kid says her Tinker Toys need more memory.
?? Isn't attacking people to teach them not to attack people the same as hitting a child to teach him not to hit others? If neither works, why do we keep doing it?
?? Every day in every way, I was getting worse and worse until I stopped trying to be like other people.
?? Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively dumb?
?? I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.
?? Have you ever wondered why traffic planners never try fixing one street completely before they tear up another one?
?? To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?
?? Why is it that some people can remember every detail of the dumbest joke you ever heard, but can't remember how many times they've already told it to you?
?? Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your waffle.
?? My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.
?? Older people are more likely to live in the past because it's already paid for.
?? You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-IV dishwasher.
?? If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.
?? Enough already with the killer doll movies! Aren't they becoming a little Upchucky?
?? The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe Fox is right, maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.
?? I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death my right to make fun of you.
?? There's just something wonderful about a cold, cold winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell the smokers.
?? Okay, I have a million awesome clipart images. Now what?
?? One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.
?? Some questions you just can't answer. For example, on New Year's Day, 2000, did the flowers in the Rose Bowl Parade think it was 1900?
?? In modern society, fathers are the ones who phone from the golf course.
?? I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.
?? You don't understand. If you understood, you'd understand that I don't want to understand you!
?? Did you ever wonder if the average terrorist eats a healthy breakfast?
?? Have you noticed that all a newspaper ever does is rearrange the words from yesterday's edition and print them again?
?? I have no answers, and I thoroughly enjoy bashing others who don't either.
?? Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?
?? Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?
?? You find such great stuff on the Internet. Like, I never dreamed I could someday own Eric Rudolph's recipe for rotisserie rabbit.
?? Hello, Glamour Shots? Does your weekend special also include dogs?
?? I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.
?? The yellow smiley face is our favorite symbol of the 1970s. It's the same for 2001, but with a nose ring.
HaLife
Today's Christian ethics question: Should assault weapons be legal in a war?
Actually, when you think about it, underneath their clothes everybody's going around nude.
I figured it up. The average North American spends seven months of his life watching beer commercials.
Today's heavy thought: If they closed all the Wal-Marts, would there be any traffic?
After watching their TV commercials, I now believe that all personal injury lawyers are shysters beyond a reasonable doubt.
A California woman has been sentenced to six months in jail for illegally charging $8,000 worth of Beanie Babies. We've got to stop this illegal Beanie Baby business before it leads to the hard stuff -- Telletubby abuse.
You know you need to sell your golf cart when you can't find your Golf Digest, and it's right under your stomach.
By joining in the musical coaches game, most colleges won't win any more games next year, but maybe they'll keep a few alumni gifts.
I was thinking about going back to school and majoring in hockey just so I could learn to understand icing.
I enjoy the more charismatic worship service, but I still can't get used to the choir doing the wave.
What a beautiful day. If Noah had had a day like this, instead of an ark he would have built a barbecue pit.
Remember, if we hadn't attacked somebody, all that defense money would have been wasted.
Today, thanks to my spell checker, I didn't dispel a single word.
Freeway driving is a great sport, but don't we need more referees and penalty boxes?
Coaches always say, "Walk it off, walk it off!" Your head could be twisted around 180 degrees and the coach would still say, "Walk it off!"
I think it's great for schools to stay open year round. It keeps the teachers off the streets.
And remember, whenever you feel the need for real confusion, just call the Help Desk.
Maybe all the models in the fashion section look miserable because their puffy lips hurt.
It was so foggy on the interstate this morning, there were a lot of cars only going 70.
The National Rifle Association has stopped buying TV time to focus on its main purpose -- buying congressmen.
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