'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises coming from their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she had enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, from every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
The population of this country is 237 million.
104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to sell the house.
There are 85 million in school,
which leave 48 million to sell the house.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
This leaves 19 million to sell the house.
4 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 15 million to sell the house.
Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to sell the house.
There are 188,000 in hospitals,
so that leaves 12,000 to sell the house.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to sell the house. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."
And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 - Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 - Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 - Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 - Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 - Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 - Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards." A copy has been distributed to every employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 - Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to Casual Day.
Week 20 - Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective immediately.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do. It only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
You can go anywhere if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans on the floor of your car when your boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of happy hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all of the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. Like reading this.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of the person is inversely proportional to the number of pens the person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
This is a story of four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought that somebody would do it.
But Nobody asked Anybody.
It ended up that the job wasn't done and everybody blamed Everybody, when actually Nobody asked Anybody.
I won't be coming to work today because:
______________________
1. If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, I can never remember which it is-accordingly, I will be in late or early.
3. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
4. I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Walgreen's.
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
7. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
8. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
11. No one steals your chair anymore.
Improvement Contest
A big real estate office offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its agents. First prize
went to the agent who suggested the award be cut to $25.
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their
hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing
in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their
hands look like they're heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of
stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours
than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like work to the casual observer.
You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without
doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that everybody from
the computer revolution expected but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss --and
you will get caught--your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use the new software, thus
saving valuable training dollars. You're not a loafer, you're a self-starter. Offer to show your boss what
you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.
3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're
not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the casual observer,
last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you
know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing
stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because
they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to DO work for THEM.
That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail
message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That
way, you're regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious
weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls
when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a
olution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is 'Ignore my last message. I took care
of it.' If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you
reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that
takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that
says, 'Sorry, this mailbox is full' a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
He who hesitates is probably right.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.
How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
NEW COMPANY POLICIES: SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE We will no longer accept
a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need
all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is
enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks
notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we
will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance,
those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees
whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're
unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day
when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap
their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must
approve this exchange.
** In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
Golden showers are not to be shared with fellow employees. In other words,
"if you sprinkle when you tinkle - be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!" At
the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.
"Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Your personal well-being is of
the utmost importance to us and we are here to provide a positive
employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed
elsewhere."
Have a nice week.
MGMT
Office work dull?...None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?
Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution.
ONE-POINT GAGS
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no Player' must be in the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and utter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets.
Resolving to surprise her husband, a broker's wife stopped by his office. She found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, shortage or no shortage, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.
Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullshit
Good Communication Skills - Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
-Staple every unimportant paper on their desk together.
-If your target has a computer, reposition the monitor everyday.
-Fill an empty white out bottle with milk and replace it with your co-workers.
-If computer has speakers turn the volume all way up or way down depending on your mood.
-Taping down the switch hook buttons on a phone gets some interesting reactions. When the mark
answers the phone keeps ringing.
-Program the mark's phone to forward to the office paging system.
-Ask, "ARE YOU GETTING FIRED? WELL, THAT'S THE RUMOR."
-Does your coworker have fish in the office? Take the fish and leave a ransom note.
-Pull the labeled buttons off of their phone and rearrange the order and put them back on their phone.
When they come back, call them from your desk and watch them struggle to answer.
-Put transparent tape over the read out of a calculator. It makes the numbers blurry.
-By a package of approximately 200 of those little paper bathroom cups and neatly arrange them all
over the subjects desk. Then staple them all together and fill them with water. See how long it takes
them to figure out how to get rid of this set-up without spilling water all over their
paperwork, files, computer, etc...
-Does somebody smoke at work when they're not supposed to? Put Ambesol on the filter of their
cigarettes. Watch as their lips and mouth go numb when they light up!
-Get Valerian Root capsules (at health food stores) and when co-worker is away from desk, take his
phone apart and open a capsule or two of Valerian Root in the mouthpiece then replace. Guaranteed
to smell terrible!
-At lunch, swap the worker's real food with look-a-like dog toys.
-If someone is applying for a job, call them back and leave a wrong number. They go crazy for a while until
you call them back apologizing.
-Take some cellophane and open up the glue bottle. Put the cellophane across the opening, then close
the bottle. Watch the victim try to squeeze glue out. They either open it up to check, or they squeeze
to hard, breaking the cellophane and spraying glue everywhere.
-Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I
find out why no work is getting done".
-Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
-A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."
-A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."
-My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.
-My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
-My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.
-He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs
rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
-Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
-Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: "I'm
sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the
outcome of this project!"
-HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for
upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."
-Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start
interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.
The boss called one of his employees into his real estate office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales, and one month after that you were promoted to office manager. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
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